


The Voyage of Longing

by blakefancier



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Child Abuse, Dark, Dubious Consent, F/M, M/M, Parent/Child Incest, Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-03-07
Packaged: 2017-12-04 13:10:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blakefancier/pseuds/blakefancier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howard was perfectly happy with Maria. They weren't soulmates, but they were in love. Then Tony was born and Howard found out how twisted having a soulmate could be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Voyage of Longing

Howard loved Maria. They weren't soulmates, but that never mattered. He loved her with all his heart and he knew that she loved him. That's why he didn't understand it, couldn't understand it. He drained the glass of whiskey in his hand, then set it on the changing table.

He stared down at his infant son, who stared back up at him with an intensity that was frightening. He wanted to lift Tony from the bassinet, wanted to cradle the boy in his arms and breathe in the scent of milk and talcum powder. He wanted to feel the warm rush of deep, all-consuming love. 

It was wrong, Howard knew it was wrong. 

He couldn't—

He was sick; there was no other explanation. He was sick inside, broken, because… because he couldn't be soulmates with his own goddamn child. He reached down and touched Tony's cheek, the tension draining from his body. 

Tony smiled at the touch, his little legs pumping in the air, his fingers clamping tightly around Howard's.

He covered his mouth with his free hand and closed his eyes. Oh god.

***** 

Tony cooed softly and smiled, his chubby arms reaching up for Howard, his hands opening and closing in a gimme gesture.

Howard clasped his own hands behind his back to stifle the urge to give in and pick up the boy. He had to be strong otherwise he'd start giving in all the time. That would be dangerous when Tony hit puberty. God, the very idea made him nauseated.

"You're always in here," Maria said from the doorway, startling a gasp from him.

He looked over at her, his heart pounding in his chest, and tracked her steps as she made her way to his side. "I can't help myself." Which was true enough. 

"He is amazing, isn't he?" Maria lifted Tony from the bassinet with an ease that made Howard jealous and cradled him against her chest. Tony squealed and wiggled in delight; he loved attention, no matter who gave it to him.

"Yeah. We did good." He leaned over and kissed her cheek, then pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead. The boy laughed and grabbed a fistful of Howard's hair. "Ah!"

Maria chuckled and gently pried Tony's fingers open. "Come on, sweetheart, let Daddy go. You don't want him to go bald before he's thirty."

"Bite your tongue," he said and tried to ignore the way Tony stared and held out his arms. It wasn't easy; his arms ached to be as close to the boy as possible. New soul bonds were notorious for it.

"Only a month old and already he's daddy's little boy."

Panic tightened his chest and he couldn't keep the frown off his face. "I'd much rather he were a mama's boy."

Maria touched his arm. "Howard, stop worrying. You're a good father. You're a great father; Tony adores you. You're nothing like your dad." 

"I just don't want to screw this up." Of course, he already had. He'd passed whatever was wrong with him onto Tony. "I love him so much, Maria." He paused, then said softly in confession, "Too much."

"You can never love your children too much, Howard." Tony scrunched up his face and let out a wail of frustration. Maria laughed and held the boy out to him. "You'd better take him before he throws a tantrum."

He took Tony from her and the wailing stopped. The boy looked up at him solemnly and sucked on a fist. It would get worse, this feeling, this bond. As Tony grew up into a young man, Howard's sickness would warp him. It would warp Tony, too. He cradled the boy against his chest and closed his eyes. "You'll help me be a good dad, won't you?"

"We'll help each other," she said and hugged him. 

***** 

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy," Tony shouted, running down the stairs and launching at him.

The tension of the day melted from Howard's body and he had just enough time to set down his briefcase before he had an armful of excited little boy. "Tony, calm down," he said, laughing.

"I missed you." Tony hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek.

"I missed you too." He stroked the boy's hair and allowed himself a moment more before releasing Tony and taking a step back. He cleared his throat and frowned. "Why are you greasy?"

Tony stared up at Howard with a wide-eyed innocence that fooled no one. 

"Did you work on the engine while I was gone? Tony, you know that Mom and I have one rule—"

"But I had an idea to make it better!" Tony took his hand and pouted; Howard's resolve melted. "Let me show you. Please, Daddy? It's cool."

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Fine. Let me change out of my suit. I'll meet you in the garage in fifteen minutes." 

Tony grinned, pressed a kiss to Howard's palm, then ran towards the garage, crowing at the top of his lungs.

He curled his hands into fists and watched as Tony narrowly missed crashing into the new maid. Howard didn't even know her name, not that it mattered; she would be gone before the year's end. It was safer that way.

***** 

Howard absentmindedly sipped his champagne as he scanned the room. He ignored the other businessmen who tried to catch his eye; he was here for one reason only. He spotted the man he was looking for across the room, talking animatedly with Vernon Van Dyne and Nathaniel Richards. Howard made he way through the crowd, passing his empty glass to a waiter as he went.

He waited until there was a lull in the men's conversation before he stepped forward with a smile. He nodded to Van Dyne and Richards, then held out his hand to the third man. "Doctor Xavier, I'd been hoping to meet you tonight. Your work in genetics is extraordinary."

"Howard Stark." Xavier shook his hand and smiled back. "Your work in weapon systems is extraordinary, or so I've heard." 

"He makes a nice cell phone, too," Richards said, holding up his Starkphone; everyone chuckled.

"Well, the really interesting work is in wetware. Of course, the human body is a lot harder to work with than electronics. So many things can go wrong."

"And do," Van Dyne replied. 

"Variety is what makes humanity interesting." Xavier grinned up at them.

"I hear you're working on a book about soulmates." Van Dyne and Richards groaned, but Howard wasn't deterred. "You must have some interesting stories about that."

"I think that's our cue to hit the bar, Vernon." Richards elbowed Howard gently in the ribs. "We've heard all of Charles's stories."

Xavier rolled his eyes. "Philistines. We'll catch up later." 

The two men took their leave: Howard was relieved. "So, interesting stories," he prompted.

"I suppose I do have some. I once met a group of people who had a formed a quintuple bond."

Howard chuckled softly. "Sounds messy."

"Oh no." Xavier shook his head and gestured over a waiter, who gave him a glass of champagne. "It was quite lovely, actually. The whole family was very stable and very happy."

"That does sound nice." His hands were starting to sweat; he rubbed them against his thighs. "I read an article this weekend on the possibility of soulmate matches within immediate families. It was an interesting read."

"Ah, yes." Xavier stared into his champagne flute. "Erskine's work is very… controversial."

"You don't think it's possible?" 

Xavier looked up in surprise. "Anything's possible when it comes to humanity, Mr. Stark. I just think that Doctor Erskine should be more careful in what he publishes." 

"Yeah, but if it's possible—"

"There's no way to confirm a soul bond. I'd hate to think of the number of child abusers who would use Erskine's work to justify their horrible actions."

"Of course." Howard nodded slowly, feeling a terrible heaviness in the pit of his stomach. "That would be awful."

Xavier tilted his head and narrowed his eyes; Howard fought the urge to turn tail and run. "We could talk about it further, if you'd like? It's an interesting line of study. Have you been to Westchester, Mr. Stark? It's less than an hour from the city." 

"I don't… I don't know. I'm busy." Howard swallowed hard against the lump in his throat.

"The gardens here are lovely and the walkways are paved so I shouldn't have any problems navigating." Xavier gestured to his wheelchair. "Why don't we take a walk?"

He nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets. 

***** 

Neither of them said much until they were well away from the party. They stopped in front of fountain where a naked water nymph was pouring water.

"You and your wife aren't soulmates?" Xavier asked.

"No, no, we aren't. We decided it was never going to happen for either of us and that it didn’t matter. We loved each other." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "We still do."

"And you have a son. How old is he?" Xavier looked at him. 

"Eleven. Tony is eleven." He bit his bottom lip to keep from babbling about how amazing Tony was: intelligent and handsome and charming.

"Does your wife know?" Xavier's voice was soft.

Howard shook his head, horrified at the thought.

"Does your son?"

"All he knows is that he loves spending time with his old man," Howard said dully. "What happens when he hits puberty? What happens when he starts feeling sexual attraction for… for…" He closed his eyes against the sting of tears. "I don't want to hurt him."

"You don't know that he will, Mr. Stark. Maybe what you feel isn't mutual."

Howard's lips twisted into a mockery of a smile. "You mean maybe I'm a pedophile. You don't think I've considered that?" He opened his eyes. "I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to touch him like…like *that*." 

Xavier frowned slightly, but it wasn't a judging sort of expression. "Then how do you know that will change when he gets older?" 

It was an honest question, Howard knew that, but it still annoyed him. "Because that's the way it works with soulmates!"

"You don't know if that's the case," Xavier said softly. "Fatherhood, I'm told, can be very stressful. You have this brand new human being that you're responsible for. Maybe all those new feelings confused you." He held up his hand. "I'm not discounting the idea that Tony is your soulmate. I just think you should also be pursuing other avenues of thought."

"Right." He crossed his arms over his chest and looked up at the night sky.

"I have a friend who might be able to help you determine if it's psychological. She's very discreet." Xavier cleared his throat. "I also think you should tell your wife." 

"She'll leave me," he said. Xavier was silent, but Howard knew what he was thinking because he thought it too: Maria should leave him and take Tony away. 

Howard sighed and rubbed his eyes. He wished he were strong enough to do what was right. He really did.

***** 

Tony was twelve when Maria decided Howard should give him the sex talk. Howard wasn't exactly sure why he had to bother. No doubt Tony got what information he needed from the Internet. But Maria was adamant they have a father-son talk, no matter how awkward. 

So he took Tony down to the garage to work on the Roadster and gave the same talk his father gave him about condoms, sexually transmitted disease, no meaning no, and the fact that some people would want to take advantage of Tony using sex. When he was done, he looked over at his son, whose cheeks were flushed, and asked, "Do you have any questions?"

Tony bit his bottom lip and looked thoughtfully down at the engine they were working on. "Do you ever wonder about your soulmate?"

He almost laughed, because of course that's what Tony wanted to talk about "No," he answered honestly.

"You never think about what it'd be like with them instead of Mom?" Tony looked up at Howard, a tiny frown on his face. 

"No." He couldn't help it, he ran his fingers through Tony's hair and smiled. "I love your mom. I've never regretted loving her, marrying her, having a life with her, a family."

"Do you think I'll ever find my soulmate?" Tony leaned into his touch, eyes closing in satisfaction; he looked like a kitten being petted.

"It doesn't matter if you do or not," he said, his voice hoarse. "You're going to find someone who loves you with all their heart. You're going to find someone you love with all your heart and you'll get married and have children. You'll be happy. I just want you to be happy." 

Tony opened his eyes and smiled. "Like you and Mom."

"Yes, right." He smiled back. "Like me and your mom."

***** 

Howard told himself that everything would be all right. He just had to hold on until Tony went off to college in eight and a half months. That time would fly by, he just had to keep busy.

He poured himself a drink, scotch on the rocks, and went out to watch Tony swim laps in the pool. The boy was small, lean and compact. Wiry. Howard traced the curve of Tony's shoulders, the line of Tony's spine, with his eyes, let himself drink in the youthful beauty of unmarked skin. He took a drink of his scotch and licked his lips as Tony popped out of the water and swam to the edge of the pool.

"Hey, Dad!" Tony grinned at him. "Grab your swimsuit and come on in!" 

The temptation was almost too much. His mind spun scenario after scenario, each one more exquisite than the last. "I'm too tired," he said, smiling apologetically, then sat on one of the lounge chairs so that Tony wouldn’t see his arousal.

"Bad day at work?" Tony climbed out of the pool, wrapped a towel around his waist, and settled next to Howard. 

"Just busy." Howard's hands shook; the ice in his drink tinkled against the glass. 

"Can I have some?" Tony lowered his lashes and reached for the scotch.

"No." He held his drink at arm's length.

Tony twisted his body so that he could lean against Howard's chest. "Please?"

His mouth went dry and he… he couldn’t himself. They'd been having little moments like these for the better part of a year; it was torture. He laid his free hand on Tony's shoulder and stroked down his arm. 

Tony shivered and his lips parted.

He shouldn't. God, he shouldn't. He lightly brushed his mouth against Tony's; the boy moaned, eyes fluttering shut. So beautiful. Tony was so beautiful. He did it again and again and again until Tony was kissing him back. It was sweet and hot and all he could taste was Tony in his mouth. He wanted more. He wanted it all and he knew he could have it. Tony would give him everything without a fight. Tony—

"No!" He pulled away, dropping the glass in his hand; it shattered.

"Dad?" Tony blinked up at him in confusion.

"I'm sorry. Oh, god, I'm so sorry!" He scrambled to his feet and fled. 

***** 

Howard hid himself in his room. He had just finished a bottle of scotch when Maria came in, her lips pressed into a thin line, and slapped him.

"He thinks it's his fault," she said and slapped him again. "I had to pry it out of him because he thought he was to blame. He didn't want to get you into trouble!"

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Maria, I am so sorry. I tried, I really did. But… But… " He covered his mouth with his hands and fought the urge to scream.

"You're disgusting. I should call the police. I should kill you!" She curled her hands into fists. "Have you done this to other kids?"

Howard shook his head.

"Just our son, then. My god, how could you?" Her voice shook with anger and she looked at him with such hatred. 

His heart felt like it was breaking, but he knew it was exactly what he deserved. He let his hands fall away from his mouth. "He's my soulmate."

She punched him then, right in the mouth. He cried out, tasting blood. 

He wished she'd hit him again. He wished she'd hit him and never stop. 

"Tony and I are moving into a hotel until the current semester is over, then we're moving to the Malibu house. You're going to stay away from the both of us, do you understand me?"

"Yeah." Howard wiped the blood from his chin. "I'll instruct the lawyers to give you whatever you need." 

Maria nodded slowly. "Get help, Howard. Just… get help."

***** 

It was three weeks after Maria had left, taking Tony with her, three weeks after the kisses, when the boy showed up. It was late and he was tired. All he wanted to do was take a shower and get some sleep. Only, when he entered his bedroom, there was Tony sitting on the bed, waiting for him. 

"You shouldn't be here," he said, dropping his briefcase on a chair and taking off his jacket.

"This isn't fair." Tony crossed his arms over his chest. "Why does everyone else get to have a happy ending with their soulmates but us?" 

Howard gave him a startled look. "What?"

"I'm not stupid, Dad." Tony rolled his eyes. "I've known since I was twelve and started having feelings for you. I did some research, even talked to Doctor Erskine—he's really not a hack, no matter what anyone else says."

"It doesn't matter if we are, Tony. You're my son and you're fourteen and what I did was wrong." He took off his tie and slipped out of his shoes.

"I wanted you to kiss me," Tony said softly.

"You're a kid. You don't get to decide that for yourself yet." Howard rubbed his mouth; god, he needed a drink. "And life isn't fair, Tony. If it were, your mom would be my soulmate."

"I don't want to go to Malibu. I don't want to leave you!" Tony got to his feet, rushed over to Howard, and hugged him. "I want to stay here with you." 

"You can't."

Tony lowered his lashes, then he stood on his tiptoes and pressed a kiss to Howard's jaw. "I love you. Do you love me?"

Howard let out a helpless laugh. "You know I do. You know—" 

"Good." Tony kissed him hard on the mouth. 

Howard struggled not to give in. He really, really did, but Tony moaned his name and moved against him. God, oh, god. He buried his fingers in Tony's hair and kissed back. "I'm going to hell."

Tony licked his lips. "You don't believe in hell and neither do I." 

"Prison, then." Howard undid Tony's jeans and pushed them off his hips.

"Prison is for people who can't afford good lawyers." Tony stepped back and shucked off his t-shirt. He looked vulnerable standing there in only his underwear; it made Howard's chest ache. 

"I love you," he said and cupped Tony's face. 

Tony smiled and wiggled out of his underwear.

*****

Afterward, he sent Tony back to Maria with a promise to meet up again soon. 

***** 

"Were you there?" Tony asked as soon as he closed and locked the hotel door behind him. "Were you?"

"I told you I would be." Howard sat on the bed and Tony straddled him. "I was there. And I am so proud of you." He slid his hands under Tony's shirt.

"I told you I could finish college in two years." Tony arched against him, smiling. "You lost the bet, old man."

"What do you want?" he asked, as if he didn't already know. 

"My cock in that fine, virgin ass of yours."

Howard rolled his eyes, his face heating at Tony's words. "Be gentle."

Tony laughed and kissed him. "Don't worry, Howard, I'll take good care of you."

***** 

Howard couldn’t stop moaning, he couldn't stop moving into Tony's thrusts, he couldn't stop—god, no wonder Tony wanted to do this all the time. "Ah! Harder. Jesus, Tony, faster!"

Tony laughed breathlessly and nipped his shoulder. "Look at you. One ride and suddenly you're a hungry little cock-slut." 

"Please, please, please," he wailed, rocking back and squeezing around Tony's cock. 

"Fuck, no fair!" Tony moved faster, shoving into Howard brutally, grunting out his pleasure. 

It was perfect. It was so, so perfect. Howard pressed his face into the pillow and cried out as his orgasm swept through him, leaving him wrung out and exhausted. 

Tony continued to move, filthy words pouring from his mouth, until finally, *finally* his movements grew erratic and, with a muttered curse, he came. He collapsed on top of Howard, panting harshly and shuddering.

Howard let him lay there until Tony became too heavy, then he shoved him off. "Happy graduation. Does this mean I get to take back your other present?"

"You got me another present?" Tony leaned up on his elbows. "Want. Now."

He rolled his eyes. "In the drawer."

Tony quickly opened the drawer and took out the gift. He tore it open and in a matter of seconds had a set of keys in his hands. "You got me a car?"

"I got you a car."

Tony let out a whoop and kissed Howard hard. "Thank you! Oh man, Dad. This the best present ever!" 

Howard smiled. "Glad you like it." 

Tony opened his mouth to say more, but his cellphone alarm to buzz. "Fuck! What time is it?"

He looked at the clock. "Seven-fifteen."

"Shit!" Tony rolled off the bed and began pulling on his clothes. "Shit, shit, shit! I was supposed to be at the restaurant fifteen minutes ago."

"Restaurant?"

"Mom and Obi are taking me out to dinner tonight to celebrate." He stepped into his shoes and ran his hands through his hair. "How do I look?"

"Good." Like Tony just had sex. "How's your mom doing?" He tried to sound nonchalant, but he didn't think he did a very good job. He missed her. 

"She's great. She's still dating what's his name." Tony rolled his eyes. "He'll probably be at there tonight, too. You could come, if you want."

No, he couldn't, but Tony never stopped trying. "You have fun with your mom and what's his face. I'll hear all about it from Obi tomorrow." 

Tony nodded, then after a slight hesitation said, "I'll be eighteen in less than a year. Then we won't have to sneak around anymore. I'll be able to move back home with you. We'll be able to do stuff together."

"I can hardly wait." He felt tired and achy suddenly. 

"Don't look like that." Tony sat on the bed.

"Like what?"

Tony leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Like you're a monster. You're not. We belong together, Dad. No matter what anyone else says, I know we do. You and me, we're gonna take world by storm."

"You really think so?" he asked, trying not to sound too skeptical. 

"Oh, Dad, I got ideas that are gonna knock your socks off." Tony's gaze softened. "We're going to make our own rules and no one is going to be able to stop us. Stark men are made out of iron, right?"

He took a deep breath and gave Tony a confident smile. "Right."


End file.
